How Chronic Illness Makes Me a Liar

Afer being diagnosed with Fibro and RA, I have become a pathological liar. Sounds pretty harsh, admitting to constant lying, but it rings true to all those who suffer from such illnesses.

Since day one, I have downplayed my symptoms = liar. To protect myself and my friends, I never tell the truth about how bad my symptoms are from day to day. No one would want to stay friends with someone who only ever talks about the horrors of the constant life crushing pain I suffer from.

This is not meant to be a knock on my friends, I just know NO one wants to hear that. My friends are really supportive, and they try to understand the depth of what I go through, but unless you actually have a chronic illness, it's hard to really understand.

Every day I lie about how I truly feel. When someone asks me how I'm doing, there's an almost 100% chance I'm lying about it. I use vague language, "I'm OK", "Not bad" and "Good". I never say that I'm so exhausted that I was in bed until 4 pm and I STILL don't feel rested at all.

I also lie to myself constantly. I make plans with friends, thinking I'll be able to live my life the same way I did before being diagnosed. I can't though. Now, I  have to space out any plans - making sure I have time to rest between.

Sometimes I lie to myself about what I can do. Sure, I can go out for coffee with a friend on Friday and then do a more physical activity on Saturday. Coffee is a huge drain, right? Unless I can sleep the whole time between coffee and going out again, I am not able to do both. And who can actually get restful sleep for that whole time?

If there is something I really want to be able to do, I do nothing for days leading up to the event so I have enough spoons to get through.

This upcoming Sunday is a day-long fair that I will be attending with my bestfriend. In order to do this, I will be doing nothing both Friday and Saturday. Nothing at all. This is the only way I can have some kind of life outside my home.

So I admit it. I am a liar.